So. It has been decided. I will go back to my hometown this weekend. It’s runaway. I would not deny it.
I just can not pretend that I don’t feel anything about the trip cancellation. But I srsly need to stop this self-hating/self-blaming before it literally drives me crazy. I just could not afford to play all the three roles: judge, plaintiff and defendant in my head simutaneously ALL THE TIME like this. I am so exhausted and suffocated by my own feelings. I srsly need space to breathe.
And to do this, the 1st time ever, I am this desperate to keep myself away from all people. To run away from all the people I have to see/meet/talk/interact everyday. EVERY SINGLE ONE OF THEM.
It’s not like I’m hiding from them. There’s no point of hiding since ppl don’t notice in the 1st place anyway… It’s just… I’m desperate for utter quietness. I need to turn off all those noises from the outside world, all those things/people that have the slightest chance to remind me about how stupid/weak/pathetic I am and drive me into that vicious circle of self-hatred->frustration->failure. I just can not afford this. I just can not afford the presence of people at this moment.
So. It’ll be a complete shutdown. Facebook deactivated. Laptop left at home. Phone turn off. Hope 2 days will be enough. I can not afford more either.